The Way of a Pilgrim

On learning to pray

Photo by James Coleman on Unsplash

For all of my life, I have struggled to pray. I have always believed in God as the Holy Trinity, and I have known that prayer must be through Christ. I have had prayers answered, to be sure, but as I scan my memory backwards and consider all the prayers I have ever prayed, one prayer in particular has been truly answered and continues to be answered even now. Years ago, I was in the grip of a besetting sin and was powerless to break it.

Hebrews 12:1 …let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely…

One day, as I was reading the scriptures, I lay my head on my table and wept. I prayed, “Lord, I cannot fight this anymore. Only you can save me. Get me out of here.” From that moment, all hell broke loose in my life and I began a journey through some of the most painful years of my life, but at every mile post along the way, I could see God’s mercy at work in my heart, strengthening and healing me.

Luke 5:31 “I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”

The healing that began in my life is profound. But am I to suppose that the journey is complete?

I John 1:8-10 “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.”

In spite of walking this journey of healing, and despite knowing that God is faithful to forgive and heal us, I still struggled to pray. My prayer became “Lord, teach me to pray.”

When I first came to the Orthodox Church, I learned about something called “The Jesus Prayer,” or “The Prayer of the Heart.” The prayer is found in scripture in the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, and later in the same chapter when Jesus heals the blind beggar.

Luke 18:13 “But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’”

Luke 18:35-39 “As he drew near to Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. And hearing a crowd going by, he inquired what this meant. They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.” And he cried out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” And those who were in front rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

The prayer of the heart, then is simple. It is the cry of someone that is in need of Christ to have mercy upon them, heal them, and forgive their sins.

Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

Is that it? It seems too simple. The Accuser of the brethren wants us to believe that—that prayer must be complicated, full of many words, full of feigned piety and explanations. God heard the prayer of the publican. The prayer of the Pharisee was rejected.

But isn’t that just vain repetition if I pray that over and over?

But he cried out all the more…

So I got a prayer rope and began to pray the Jesus prayer, knot by knot. By the third knot there is an intrusive thought. Only 97 more knots to go. The battle is on. Now I have the tool, but my skill is unrefined. I am a child. I do not have mastery of my own thoughts. I am poor and helpless and weak. I am hateful and prideful and full of envy and vice. “Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner!” Shouldn’t I be praying for other people? There is so much need in the world, don’t I need to address them? “Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner.” What about my children, my family, my friends? “Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner.” I am just beginning to understand. This will take time and discipline.

I read a book recently called The Way of a Pilgrim by an anonymous Russian author who tells the story of a man who abandons everything in an effort to learn how to pray the prayer of the heart. This small book that only took a couple of hours to read has ascended to the top of my list of life-changing books. In the beginning the Pilgrim desired to know what it means to “pray without ceasing” as Paul instructs the Thessalonians (I Thessalonians 5:17). In the beginning, the poor pilgrim receives no satisfactory answers, but is then introduced to a spiritual father who teaches him that it is possible. He instructs him in the ways of ceaseless prayer.

I embark upon this Pilgrimage now in pursuit of the same thing—to achieve the prayer of the heart that is unceasing, edifying, and illuminating. It is the prayer of the ascetics, mystics, martyrs and Saints, and the prayer of all who come to Christ in repentance.

Luke 18:40-43 “And Jesus stopped and commanded him to be brought to him. And when he came near, he asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?” He said, “Lord, let me recover my sight.” And Jesus said to him, “Recover your sight; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him, glorifying God. And all the people, when they saw it, gave praise to God.”