Come and See
In spite of the title of this blog, I am convinced that this pilgrimage is NOT an accident, and that all of my life has been guided by the hand of a loving God who promises that I will find him, if I seek him with all my heart.
As I began to absorb information concerning the teachings of the Orthodox Church as they stand in contrast to Protestantism and Roman Catholicism, I had a moment of panic. The thought ran through my head, “I have believed heresy all of my life! I am a heretic! I’ve been a heretic all my life!” At this point I had been reading all the books and listening to all the podcasts about Orthodoxy, but hadn’t stepped into a church yet…
I picked up the phone and called my Orthodox friend, and asked her bluntly, “Have I been a heretic all my life?” I heard her chuckle from her side of the continent and her reply was gentle, “We wouldn’t put it that way.” She wrote in an email, “As Orthodox Christians, we are confident that Grace is active within the Apostolic Church, but we don't claim to know how Grace is active outside of the Church.” I thought this incredibly diplomatic. In the same email she said, “I would gently suggest that the Beauty-first approach is to take a sabbath from reason and experience Orthodoxy. "Come and see," like Philip told Nathaniel.” She was right. It was time to give the intellect a rest, put aside my presuppositions about what this was going to be and encounter the Church.
So I did. I showed up to Church on a Wednesday night for vespers, and stood in the line for confession, though I just wanted to ask my questions—I had no idea about confession yet. If you want to really laugh at me, I’ll admit that the first question I asked the bishop was the same one I’d asked my friend. I started by saying, “I’ve been a Christian all my life…or HAVE I?” and he shrugged. He actually shrugged. “Have I been a heretic all my life?” He shrugged again, but then gave me an answer that was almost verbatim to that of my friend about Grace being active within the church, but they did not judge those outside the church. That didn’t exactly put my mind at ease, mainly because I was looking for firm answers, but he also didn’t say I was not a Christian, nor did he declare me to have been a heretic. He did say that if I were to come into the Church he would baptize me because he baptizes all converts, so there isn’t any question.
I then proceeded to ask him if he were married (ha! no! Orthodox bishops are always monks…I didn’t know that! Now you know so you don’t make the same mistake.)
Later, in relating this account to another Orthodox friend, he laughed at the question and said quite plainly, “You didn’t know enough to be a heretic.” By that time my mind was already at ease, so I was able to laugh along with him.
So exactly what is heresy, and who is a heretic? In Protestant circles the word is thrown around liberally to indicate anyone who disagrees with that denomination’s opinion or interpretation of scripture, so an honest definition of the word was not something I had grasped. In Orthodoxy and Heterodoxy, Fr. Andrew defines it as follows:
Heresy - literally, “choosing” Heresy is the act of choosing to be separate from Orthodoxy in doctrine and / or worship. The word may also be used to describe any heterodox teaching.
Heretic - One who was a follower of the Orthodox Christian faith and then consciously rejected it, especially having been given the choice by proper authorities. Technically speaking, one who was never Orthodox cannot be a heretic. He may, however, believe in heretical teachings (i.e., heterodoxy) This word has also been used more broadly to refer to anyone who believes heresy.1
Okay, since I had definitely never been Orthodox before, I wasn’t being judged as a heretic, but I did have other questions.
In that first conversation with Vladyka, after embarrassing myself with the marriage question, I asked him why people were kissing his hand. He answered that they kissed his hand because his were the hands that consecrated the bread and the wine to become the Holy Mysteries of the body and blood of Christ. As Protestant converts, we are really not inclined to be bowing and kissing the hands of people in authority. In fact we recoil at the notion, but when I thought about his words, a feeling of proximity to Christ overwhelmed me. I immediately kissed his hand and received a blessing and never hesitated, though I wasn’t always sure how exactly to do it without being awkward. There have been plenty of times that I have “messed up,” and felt a little embarrassed, but I try not to miss the opportunity to receive that blessing. Christ blessed and ordained the apostles. The apostles conveyed their authority and blessing through the laying on of hands. That blessing has continued down through the past 2000 years and was conveyed upon our very own bishop—our Vladyka,* who is a living icon of Christ, who hears my confessions and offers prayers of absolution. How can I know this and not feel a real and physical proximity to Christ himself?
At the end of the conversation, he looked at me and laughed and said, “You’re a goner,” and he was right. My long and winding journey to find the Church that the book of Acts spoke about was ending, and I was finally home.
Within a few weeks we were made catechumens, which is like a period of engagement with the Church. In that period we were considered Orthodox but we were not yet communicants (i.e. could not receive the eucharist) which would only come with baptism.
There is something inexpressible that try as I might I cannot convey in words. It can only come from experiencing the Church with an open heart and mind, without judgment. There is something ineffable that draws me in, and it has nothing to do with a beautiful building, contemporary music, sermons or church programs. I write this to encourage you, as well as to remind myself to abandon a complete dependence on reason and intellect but just to “come and see…”
* The term Vladyka is one of the terms we call our bishops in the Orthodox church. It is Russian for “Master.”
Damick, Fr. Andrew Stephen. Orthodoxy And Heterodoxy. Ancient Faith Publishing, 2017, p.36
“I have believed heresy all of my life! I am a heretic! I’ve been a heretic all my life!” :: I can relate sooooo much to this! Imagine how much worse it would feel to have been a heretical pastor...I'm still repenting almost daily :-) Thank you for sharing your journey Kelly; I'm enjoying reading these posts...it is a blessing to hear stories similar to our own and find that we're not alone.
My fiend who keeps inviting me to her Antiochian Orthodox Church used thus same phrase when I told her I wanted to ask her questions first. She graciously said she loves to talk about it but nothing she can say can compare to experiencing it. “Come and see”